Sunday, December 28, 2008

the apple and the picker

So it turns out I'm one of the apples that got picked. I'm very glad i got picked and I'm enjoying the ride. it's like everything just happened out of the blue and life took a turn that I didn't see coming and I'm glad it did. i just hope i don't turn into a rotten apple. I'm scared of that. It feels like I always find ways to make things go bad and ruin them. I get so scared. I don't want to make the same mistakes as my mom. I don't want to spend 20 years with the wrong guy. I don't want to rely on someone who will decide they don't want to be there anymore. I don't know how to rely on a guy. My mom always ran the house and did everything because she had to. She raised me to be that way so I wouldn't screw myself over.
Until my picker. I'm okay if he opens doors for me or pays for me. I don't do things to prove that I don't need him, only want him. i don't need to be so independent with him and this scares the hell out of me! I don't know why I'm like this with him, but I like the fact that I can be, as scary as it is. I'm afraid of not being afraid. Ha ha, how does that work? I don't know how anything works with me. The next step is where my last picker threw me back at the tree. I just hope this one doesn't but if he does, I know life goes on and I will too. There's more peace in me this time. But, there's also so many more questions. But, this time it's going to be something I cherish and not over analyze to the death.
The whole point of being together is finding out if there's a forever. My ideas and plans are not the same as God's, so I can't go by that. I just have to trust and enjoy and continue to seek God. As long as I do that, everything else will fall into place. I'm not meant to spend my whole life questioning myself and if this is what God wants. My heart is genuinely after Him, so I am going where He's leading me and I am meant to enjoy the ride and cherish the memories, not regret all the wrong turns. That's part of the amazing journey I'm on! Seeing where paths lead me. All of them will eventually lead me to the one I was supposed to be on. They're just scenic routes. I love nature and the scenic views. so, for now on i will enjoy the ride and make the most of everything and be at peace knowing that everything in my life is in God's hands.

Joshua 1:9