Sunday, December 28, 2008

the apple and the picker

So it turns out I'm one of the apples that got picked. I'm very glad i got picked and I'm enjoying the ride. it's like everything just happened out of the blue and life took a turn that I didn't see coming and I'm glad it did. i just hope i don't turn into a rotten apple. I'm scared of that. It feels like I always find ways to make things go bad and ruin them. I get so scared. I don't want to make the same mistakes as my mom. I don't want to spend 20 years with the wrong guy. I don't want to rely on someone who will decide they don't want to be there anymore. I don't know how to rely on a guy. My mom always ran the house and did everything because she had to. She raised me to be that way so I wouldn't screw myself over.
Until my picker. I'm okay if he opens doors for me or pays for me. I don't do things to prove that I don't need him, only want him. i don't need to be so independent with him and this scares the hell out of me! I don't know why I'm like this with him, but I like the fact that I can be, as scary as it is. I'm afraid of not being afraid. Ha ha, how does that work? I don't know how anything works with me. The next step is where my last picker threw me back at the tree. I just hope this one doesn't but if he does, I know life goes on and I will too. There's more peace in me this time. But, there's also so many more questions. But, this time it's going to be something I cherish and not over analyze to the death.
The whole point of being together is finding out if there's a forever. My ideas and plans are not the same as God's, so I can't go by that. I just have to trust and enjoy and continue to seek God. As long as I do that, everything else will fall into place. I'm not meant to spend my whole life questioning myself and if this is what God wants. My heart is genuinely after Him, so I am going where He's leading me and I am meant to enjoy the ride and cherish the memories, not regret all the wrong turns. That's part of the amazing journey I'm on! Seeing where paths lead me. All of them will eventually lead me to the one I was supposed to be on. They're just scenic routes. I love nature and the scenic views. so, for now on i will enjoy the ride and make the most of everything and be at peace knowing that everything in my life is in God's hands.

Joshua 1:9

Friday, November 28, 2008

So I'm sitting in this tree, trying to figure out how to keep climbing to the top cuz I see this juicy apple. But in the mean time there has been this other apple, and it looks good, it's pretty much at level I'm at right now but is just a little ways around the tree. It look different than the apple up top to. I can't decide what to do and the longer I take the more I'm liking the apple right near me. I almost want to take a bite of it and I haven't picked it yet. I've done this before and I soo see my pattern. I really wish there was some little birdy that could fly around this stupid tree and get a better look at the apples for me. At least a wind to blow them so maybe I could catch a glimpse of the other side and check for bad spots...frustration! I'm half tempted to just jump off this stupid tree and go hide in a hole or something for a while and see if there will be apples left when I come out. If they're anywhere close to becoming rotten I could just wait it out in case. Idk. I don't want to hurt anyone but I need to think about myself too, but there are so many stinking factors now. I'm not that good at math.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

running through my mind

So I went to a Joyce Meyer conference just before the beginning of this school year. It seems like everything that was said over those few conferences has laid out not just everything that I have been going through this year, but my whole life before it as well. It restarted a fire in me that i so desperately needed. And I've been slowly losing that already and it's only been a few months. Lifegroup has helped me so much though. I don't know where I'd be without the girls from there. that's what kept me going so strong. the things I have to conquer in my near future are so scary and i was starting to. But, the devil always knows where to attack and always gets me with the same stupid thing. But, this time it's not going to work and I'm nipping that in the butt. I'm not hiding from my scary giants anymore and I'm not getting distracted from doing what I'm called to do. I'm not going to lose myself anymore to this crap and nothing is going to stand in my way. no more fear, there's no room for it. Everything will happen for His reason if i do what He calls me to do so there is nothing to be afraid of.
The verse that has stuck with me for months now is Joshua 1:9 and for good reasons too. so, that is what i will do.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

those apples...

I've heard the story of the apples in the trees so many times, telling myself that I'm one of those apples way up at the top. If it's true, it pretty much explains it all.

You know the story:
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid of getting hurt. So instead, they just take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy to get... The apples at the top of the tree think there's something wrong with them, when, in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along - one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top.
But this story goes both ways. I think that's what the real problem is, for me at least, something like it anyway.

I'm too scared of climbing all the way to the top. Not every apple at the top of the tree is good. I've started climbing after a specific one at the top before and saw how rotten it really was. I also found out how scared I was of heights! It's a long ways down, and even longer to the next tree. I don't think I've picked up an apple from the ground, just at the bottom of the tree. On the way up, (it takes me forever to climb) those lower apples are right there for me. Not convenient, but there for me. I know. I don't know about the ones at the top. I don't know anything about the ones at the top. But, I know the ones one the branch I've been sitting on for a while now. They look pretty good to me, and comforting too. So, why not pick one of those?

Because, if I can look at it and think, "it's good enough right?" it's not. I don't deserve good enough. I deserve the best, but only if I'm willing to earn the best.
It's so hard to make that long trip and I'm only half way up that tree and I'm already so tired.
But I am not letting myself settle this time. If I make it up there and find out that apple isn't so amazing or that it's got a picker, oh well! I tried and will learn to just try harder next time. I'm an all or nothing girl, so my determination should triumph over my nerves and thoughts. That apple deserves to be earned just as much as this(me) apple does.
Men are apples too...we should treat them like they are. I'm going to.